so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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