You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize