I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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