I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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