If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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