Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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