she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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