the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
