Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
