she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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