I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think my fart just growled at me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
