college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
