you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
