Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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