he told me I talked like a deaf person
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
