i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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