She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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