Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
