i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize