is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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