I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
