The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
