I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
