I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
