I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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