I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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