I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
