I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
