My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
