well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
