i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
