I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
