A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
