Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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