Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
