Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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