I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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