How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You can't special order awesome
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
