Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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