so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
