Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
