i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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