I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
