i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
