This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
