I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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