i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
