he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
