She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
