you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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