I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
