i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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