i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
