Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
