I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
