I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
