My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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