wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
