It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
